I have been a writer and a writing instructor for a long time. And over time, I’ve come to realize that writers (and maybe even all people) can be broken down into three kinds:
- Can Do People (These folks just do it)
- Can’t Do It Yet, But I’m Working On It, People (Even if they are a little frustrated at times)
- Can’t Do It, Won’t Do It, I’m Frustrated About It (And they like to blame others)
I coach writers in groups called Dream Teams and these teams tend to attract the first two kinds of people—the Can-Do People and the Can’t Do It Yet, But I’m Working On It People.
These are the kinds of folks anyone would appreciate having around. They really own it and don’t make excuses or project their responsibilities onto others in their pursuit of what they want and need.
For me, positive attitudes are like healthy people and negative attitudes are like people with viruses.
I try to remind myself that a negative person has a virus and not throw the person out with the black cloud.
But when I feel negativity coming at me again and again, I definitely take a step back.
Negativity is contagious. Just like a virus. And we all need to be reminded sometimes that others can be impacted by the kind of energy we put out into the world.
For my own sake, and the sake of my family and business, I try to steer clear of consistently negative people and I gravitate towards people who are consistently positive and pro-active…without being over the top.
Groundedness is a really important quality that I value in myself and others.
It’s taken years of practice but I am still sometimes tempted to jump in and try and help a person who consistently broadcasts unhappiness or helplessness.
But these days, I can pretty much let them be and choose to hang with the positive, proactive folks, instead.
And this one choice has an incredibly positive impact on my day-to-day life.
How about you?
Can do, can’t do, or somewhere in between?
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Needed this today. Thanks.
Good post. I agree – hanging with positive people is part of boundary setting for me.
Love this, Christina! I’ve been actively working to surround myself with positive people and to be more positive myself!! I think I tend to fall into the second category most of the time, but I find I visit the first category a lot more often than I used to. 🙂
I think that sometimes, people end up in the 3rd group because they’ve experienced failure, in whatever shape or form, so many times in the past and are scared, and negativity just is a default defence mechanism. Yes some people are inherently grumpy but I think that a lot of this category would *like* to be in the first 2 groups but just don’t know how to get there and more importantly, perhaps they’ve had no one to encourage them or show them a positive influence. In terms of writing, it takes guts to even try and I think this is a huge part of learning the craft of writing. But courses like yours, Christina, are a good first step…to get out of the ”writing means failing, and I think I have talent for writing, but no one seems to recognize it”’ to getting to the stage where the person feels confident as a writer to place themselves in those first 2 categories. I hope this makes sense–I’m totally sticking my neck out in saying it. I’d like to hear more comments about this too.
I’m a workin on it person! I really like to be around positive people because it encourages me! It is easy for an in betweener to get get pulled down into negativity fast – so I really tried to avoid those sorts!
Christina – my husband is a shining example of a Can Do person. Yet his sister is Can’t Do (and not working on doing it), Won’t Do, Frustrated and Blames Others (and apparently wants to stay that way).
As for me, I am Could Do It, which is my way (I see frustration showing its face here) of saying I Can’t Do It Yet, But I’m Working on It.
CK – look at you writing honestly in public … so if by chance you’re talking about you here, you’ve got the guts! And even if you’re not talking about you … my initial response to yours is that perhaps that’s how people find themselves in the 3rd group and FORGET and need to be reminded that we are, all of us, at a point of choice every SINGLE moment. So, at every turn we have an opportunity to be our best and favorite selves. And when we forget, as even people in the first two groups do, it’s a matter of reminding ourselves of who we are, what we are capable of and being responsible for our own well-being in all aspects of the word. I struggled terribly with self-confidence in all areas, but in my writing as a journalist I finally started pretending to be Lois Lane when I picked up the phone to call sources and editors … dorky but that alter ego worked its way it into my reality. I also think that we have to write for ourselves first. Truly. And then when we put our work out into the world, it’s uncomfortable to be rejected but we already know it was never about impressing the rest of the world. Wow, I guess I had more to say than I thought 🙂
Love this. It is crazy hard to not move to fix the problems of others and sit through the discomfort that gap leaves … but eventually it becomes a new normal and I can actually tell when I’m slipping back into my old Overly Helpful ways (which by the way seemed to be a way I was being controlling and manipulating under the guise of helpfulness). I can tell because I start feeling hollow and resentful and hear the echos of my complaints that I’m “too busy” to do what I need to do to be healthy. It truly is toxic to be around a steady stream of negativity, especially when it comes from voices within. I appreciate you posting this honest look at something we all deal with on some level.
I’m a “Can-Do” most days. And totally agree with the spreading virus of negativity. Working on not absorbing their bad aura, esp in situations you literally cannot walk away from (@work)
Positivity is one of the most potent medicines. Such an encouragement for me today, too. 🙂
Thanks for all of the comments, folks!
I agree with Nathalie that whatever of the three groups you are consciously deciding to be in today is always a choice.
And if you are in the third group, and you know it, (that’s good b/c it’s the first step to moving out of it), then it’s up to you to move yourself up into one of the two other groups by changing your attitude rather than expecting anyone else to do it for you.
It’s your choice how you behave and no one can “give” you a better attitude. If you are suffering from the past, then the onus is on you to seek help with that suffering.
And then, if your attitude still stinks, at least take responsibility for it.
Tomorrow is another day. There are plenty of resources available. Many of them are free, cheap, and accessible.
Sometimes just remembering that you have freedom of choice is the best first step…
Yeah, I was talking about me in a roundabout way. Thanks for understanding, I was scared I was going to get flamed. I am at the stage plucking up the guts to maybe think I could put what I have to say out there in the world. I’m reading lots of books on writing query letters, formulating article ideas etc (haven’t taken Christina’s class yet, I’m trying to get the cash together to do that)…but putting myself out there and getting into the writing biz is tough and I’m not sure if my self esteem is high enough for that yet. I keep reading the ”cautionary tales” about breaking into the market in Writer’s Digest and so yeah, I am definitely scared of failing–but even more scared of not trying. I haven’t told many people yet that I really want to be a writer. So for now, I’m trying to get into the habit of writing for myself and hopefully, when I’m ready to take the plunge, things will unfold as they’re meant to. (Everyone who’s commented seems to be really nice people, and kindred spirits. YAY! You guys are the kind of people I’d love to sit down and have a coffee with)
Hi CK,
I can assure you that my intention in this blog is never to invite flame wars.
I would also suggest, if anyone is trying to build up confidence as a writer, that you figure out what your first goals are going to be and put 100% into them.
The only way I’ve ever seen writers increase their confidence and feel like they can own “I’m a writer” is by doing it, and of course this takes time and commitment.
I hope to see you in a classs, CK, or hope you find some other encouraging context for your writing practice.