I am always encouraging my students to turn their lemon life experiences into written lemonade. And this is me following my own advice.
I was persecuted and harassed in a huge online community yesterday, and lemme tell you, it was WEIRD.
The person doing the bullying seemed quite fixated on me and was following me around as I moved from group to group, chastising me in a private Facebook message thread that she initiated.
I persistently asked to understand what her issue was with me, and my question was never answered.
The only comment that came close was, “I want you to buy into what I’m trying to do, that’s all.”
Sooo, yeah. Let’s just say chasing me around on social media is not a good way to get me to buy into to WHATEVER you are trying to do. Especially when you fail to communicate to me what that is.
In the end, I could not reconcile with the person, so I left a group she facilitated that I was part of, and reported her to the folks responsible for the larger groups’ existence.
But I did not get away from her before she took some totally uncalled for swipes at me.
Now I am quite clear that I did not deserve to be chased around on social media nor bullied nor called names. It was pretty ugly stuff and borderline absurd, from my point of view.
Afterward, however, I still felt hurt. I had used reason as long as I could, but in retrospect, and to protect myself, I think I should have used instinct sooner.
I should have said simply, “You need to stop.”
And if she did not stop after I said that, then I should have said, “I am leaving this conversation.”
And then I should have reported her, just the same, because even the beginning of the interaction was weird and confusing.
Boundaries are hard sometimes. They are especially hard if your boundaries were messed with when you were younger.
Have you ever needed to say, “Stop,” to someone online and not done so? Or not done so soon enough?
Have you tried to reason with someone online when reason was futile?
Have you ever tried to preserve a relationship when the relationship is clearly not worth preserving?
And now here’s the big question, are you negatively obsessed with another person’s behavior? Do you follow them or monitor them just to keep tabs on how they behave? (Please say, no. Cause it’s not healthy, people.)
One thing is certain, folks have some pretty crazy ideas about what constitutes appropriate online behavior.
What can we do about it as individuals?
I say, take care of yourself first, especially if you have been legitimately hurt. And then speak up about the offense. Because no one is helped if we all keep silent.
And if you were bullied than there is a good chance someone else is being or is going to be bullied, as well.
I would like to hear stories, not in detail about the harassment because that would go on and on, wouldn’t it? There is just SO MUCH of this online.
Instead, I’d like to hear stories from folks who successfully set boundaries, walked away and reported offenses. Or whatever else you did that created a positive impact in a negative situation from your point of view.
I think we all need help in this regard and sharing empowering success stories can be helpful. It’s good for all of us.
That’s my lemons into lemonade. Thanks in advance for sharing your strength if you have something inspiring to share!
~ Photo credit: Finger Wag by Lara604
I am a veteran journalist, author and coach with over a decade and a half of experience and a wealth of techniques to share. I am focused on making the world a saner, more expressive place. I help folks become more creative for personal enjoyment, professional development and transformational growth. Whether you are a professional creative or hope to become one some day, I can help you embrace your personal strengths, explore your creative possibilities, and evolve incrementally into your most inspiring self. If you are ready to achieve creative consistency in your life and career, email me about monthly coaching calls. To learn more about increasing your creative confidence, please check out my online school. Stay tuned for ways to save money by becoming a Beta User for my next new course by subscribing to The Prosperous Creative. And don’t forget to get these blog posts delivered to your inbox, so you never miss a post. If you appreciate my work—school, products, blog and social media posts—you are welcome to make a contribution of any size at any time. Thank you for your support!
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Oooh, boundaries. Right up my alley. I’m pretty lucky because as a therapist, I have good instincts for people who aren’t, shall we say, well-balanced….and I get out pretty quickly. But it’s intoxicating to some people that they can say anything they want behind the mask of anonymity, or, at least distance. People say things they’d never say in person.
I’m still not entirely clear about what happened to you, but I am really, really sorry. People can be awful on the internet. Boundary-setting suggestions? For people with persistent negative energy who are not actively harassing me, I just unsubscribe from their posts. For more serious offenses, including name-calling and the sort of chasing you describe, I unfriend, block if necessary, and refuse all other connection requests (Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, etc.). The person bothering you has issues. I hope they get help. In the meantime, you are amazing. Hang in there.
Several years ago I was a victim in a private FB group blow-up. People leaving left and right, bullies defending their positions. One of the gals that left, immediately started another private group and invited five of us wounded to it. It was a place for us to share our hurts and lick our wounds, for a limited amount of time, and then move on. We have become the best of friends and still share our lives with each other. Lemonade.
I notice that people really get off whispering behind other people’s backs. I think I used to do this a lot more and now I mostly don’t have the time or inclination for it any longer. Wow, when I think of how much time I wasted in the past jawwing about others. Got me no where. And yet people do it. In fact, I just told someone today, let’s just not mention that person’s name any more. There’s nothing there for me. I also really dislike it when tweens and teens or even little girls whisper obviously in front of other girls. I just think that is the cruelest and most belittling technique. I always remind my daughter that it’s rude, and I don’t care for the habit in a person because it shows callousness to others. I may have to write another post about this! Thanks for commenting. 🙂
Jennie, these are all good suggestions. Bullies can sometimes blindside a person, and then you suddenly lose the ability to remember or perform basic functions like this. But yes, after the ouches subside, do all of these things. I agree!
Sadly, I think this is probably going on somewhere on the Internet right now, and probably all day long around the world. I think bullies forget that folks don’t have to stick around. But they do tend to just go find someone else to pick up on when previously persecuted folks leave. This came up recently in a group I’m in. The idea of bullies are not bullies unless they serially bully the same person. But that can be a series of people and not just one person who sticks around and takes it. Hopefully if a person is bullied, they will set appropriate boundaries such that the bully knows they overstepped, giving the bully a chance to self-correct. I don’t believe once a bully, always a bully. I think it’s more like alcoholism or any other ism. It can be corrected if the person bullying wants to change.
I wrote a blog post last May about the positive things I’ve learned/implemented in my life as a result of having a cyberstalker. I wish I could say it’s all been good, but it hasn’t. Most of all I have learned to be kinder to myself and to allow people to help me. It’s also helped me become aware of my body’s reaction to stress. I did report mine to police and we have a civil suit in the court system. It’s been an incredibly eye-opening experience and once I have some “finality” to my situation (which has been going on for over two years) I hope to be able to be an advocate to get better laws in place for those who are subjected to harassing online behavior. Although it’s something I wish I never had to experience I do realize I’ve become a better and stronger version of my prior self. 🙂
Thanks, Michelle. And good for you. Very inspiring!
Ugh, I am very sorry to hear about everyone’s experiences here, most especially Michelle’s, which ended up in civil court. Though of course any and all abuse online is inappropriate and should be reported, if possible to the right people.
One of my personal challenges in building relationships online comes from the need to be very careful in my approach to speaking with new people. Because we all have either experienced or know other people (including friends) who have experienced online harassment, we have to be especially careful when we initiate a conversation.
I use social networks to build personal connections. This means occasionally reaching out to individuals, especially those with whom we seem to share something in common (based on their profiles), to see if there are any mutual interests related to our writing/reading interests or whatever may have struck my fancy on their profile.
I don’t do it as often as I otherwise might. I mean, I love the networking aspect of it all, especially on Twitter. But I also recognize a proactive approach like that can cause tension for whoever I’m reaching out to because I’m a stranger. That, in turn, causes ME to feel a little stressed too.
I wish that weren’t the cause but it is understandable simply because of all the stories like what Christina just shared.
Hopefully all those online abusers will be selected for a space mission to a galaxy far, far way.
Joe
Joe, I got a chuckle out of your space mission idea. I know I’d be game for that 🙂
That’s incredibly aware on your behalf to think about these things when making the first contact on social.
Twitter has always been my favorite social network and I’m incredibly guarded and really quiet there now because I know that anything I say is being watched. I don’t like that I have to, essentially, revamp who I am as a person in an attempt to protect myself and my friends. Even those who have very loose associations to me have been targeted by my crazy pants. And I feel an extreme amount of guilt because of that. 🙁
Michelle, I’m relatively new to networking on the online world. I just checked out your website/blog and it’s clear you have a very developed (and no doubt successful) presence. My goal for the time being was to continue to find helpful blogs, leave comments and build up my social network traffic. But I feel there may be a guest blog post opportunity regarding this topic just waiting for the right writer(s). Perhaps a two-parter: one: what tactics a guy (me, in this case) would use to be careful in initiating an online networking opportunity in a safe way especially with a member of the opposite gender and then two, how people feel when they are approached (whether they feel safe or not) in different ways. Because while there is genuine abuse there is just a lack of awareness of appropriate social etiquette, which nevertheless still leaves bad feelings. Would a discussion on a potential collaboration be of interest to you? I just followed you on Twitter. Please let me know. Joe
Hi Christina,
Yikes – unfortunately for many of us sharing – we know this road all too well. It truly angers me when I hear the so-called “experts” tell us to simply rise above it, as if it isn’t happening. The fact is — it did happen, and for some of us, continues for a very long time. I nearly lost my career – and it crippled me emotionally for years. My story went viral after I won the landmark case for Internet defamation and invasion of privacy – but what I have gained from this – is a voice and platform to share with everyone. It is okay to hurt, it is okay to feel bad – even sad. One reason is – the Internet is “unforgiving” and especially those Internet trolls. Once you give yourself permission to feel sad, you can start to rise above it. Then you need to start engaging in your social media, your platforms — use your voice like you never have before. Just like you did… be a voice for others that are silently suffering – there are thousands out there. I was completely overwhelmed when I first came out “publicly” with my story back in 2006. Now we say – learn from my mistakes — gain from my knowledge – use your keystrokes for digital wisdom — never engage with those trolls – they simply are not worth it. I just wrote a piece yesterday in HuffPost about these experts that continue to tell use to rise above it — what I say to them is… walk in our shoes, then share that advice with us…. You are fabulous!!!! Not sure what this new culture of cruelty is all about… but I am in the middle of creating a new site with all the emails I have rec’d of people (names and places redacted – you won’t be able to identify) — so we can see how grown-ups are truly victims of other grown-ups. Adults behaving badly is a trend that needs to stop. We consistency hear about teens and children with online abuse – let’s start talking about the people that should be their role models… IMO. Thanks for listening… I rambled a bit… 🙂
“Adults behaving badly is a trend that needs to stop.” Amen, sister. And go, Sue. Yes, I had several folks imply when I stood up for myself that I was causing the problem. Basically, the usual “you must be asking for it” type of stance. Also, “be careful, because you are still asking for it by bringing it up.” So that’s how far we have come, I guess. For me, it’s a lack of emotional intelligence. I feel like I was not always the most emotionally intelligent person through my twenties. But I have certainly grown over the years and continue to strive to become more emotionally intelligent as the years go by. And I do think that emotional intelligence can go right out the window in online behaviors. So I’d love to see everyone strive to bring more emotional intelligence into online interactions…and maybe this would help. Either way, go, us!
Joe, I followed you back on Twitter (and said hi). I found your email through your Disqus profile/website. Going to send you a private message (email). 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Joe. I did not see your post sooner. Maybe my alerts are not working. Will double check. Thanks again!
Nice networking! 🙂
many people have made posts saying rude things about me and i was fine with it because it was nothing too serious but then they started targeting my friends and that is where i draw the line. boundaries are drawn by morals however people’s boundaries are different and in that since crossing the line becomes easy to do hen you are roasting someone. the internet allows anonymity and allows people to recreate themselves. with this they become confident and let’s them feel that they can say as they wish and speak what they never would face to face
Please know you can be called to testify in federal court.
I’m sorry, Brandan. That was a bit cryptic. Can you explain?
Christina, Brandan Paul is one of the many personas my Cyberstalker is using. She’s also using Grace Davidson, Jill Logan, Jill Brown, etc. Any references from anyone referencing a federal court case is most likely going to be my cyberstalker, Ms. Leslie Rogers of Spokane WA (aka Kellie Rogers, Kellie Ruggerio). Just any FYI so maybe you can block her and send me the email you get from Disqus that has her IP address on it so I can give it to the detectives and my attorney. Sorry that she’s come here now. I was hoping this would not happen.
Do not harass people in my blog comment thread. This goes to everyone. No one should be contacting anyone met here and trying to get them to participate in drama. Period. Anyone who comments here in a way that creates or increases drama will be blocked.
Updated on March 1, 2015. If your comments in this post slander another person by real name or alias, I have no wish to participate in lawsuits or grudges or slander of any kind. So this is my boundary. If you want to come here and talk about bullying in general terms, good. But if you are slandering another, even if you you think you are doing it to protect yourself, please take the comment down yourself, or I will in 48 hours. Slander is a very serious manner. So is taking someone to court. I am not telling anyone what to do or not do, but boundaries are important to me, and we are not taking down ANYONE in my blog or on my site. Thanks for understanding and taking action, if this boundary applies to you. I think I am being clear and fair. Thank you.
Christina, I removed my comment from yesterday just to be on the safe side since I did have my person’s name and several known aliases listed in the comment (though hopefully it is/was clear I was not being slanderous in any manner). I want to honor your boundaries and your site; that’s what matters most to me. xoxo
Thank you, Michelle.
Michelle, you still have a comment with many names in it. Could you please remove it? Thank you!
Opps, sorry – I had hit the – thinking that deleted it but apparently it had only collapsed. I think I got it this time – but can you confirm for me.
Nope, it was still there, and I made the same mistake you did initially, so no worries. I have no deleted that part of the conversation. Thanks for trying to comply.
I think I would only add one thing to this conversation about online bullying. Regardless of which end of the spectrum you think you are on (bullied or bullying), ask yourself if this is truly how you want to spend your creative energy. Ongoing battles take a lot of energy, so I think it’s worth asking yourself if an ongoing skirmish is worth it, or if it is just another version of Romeo & Juliet. We are all human. We all make mistakes. It may be the case that it makes more sense to cut your losses and head off on a more hopeful direction…rather than drag on a long tedious battle that threatens to draw more and more people into it everywhere it goes. And now I’m closing the comments on this discussion, folks. Thanks for chiming in.